I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I think i got beer on your cat.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
