I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
