Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
