Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
