How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
