dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
