Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
