i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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