Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
