How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
