When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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