if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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