she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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