People in love make me want to vomit
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
