She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
