hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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