Apparently you make a good broom.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
