My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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