If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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