One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
