I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
