Your face is a jimmy john
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
