He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You can't just leave with hair like that
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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