Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
