Will you blow on my dice?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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