You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
