In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
