I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We just shotgunned beers for America
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
