Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
