i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
