Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
