Quick, to the slutcave!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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