I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
