Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
