I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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