Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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