I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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