Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
