I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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