you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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