The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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