How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
