i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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