its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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