i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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