when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
