your parents love me but you hate me
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize