Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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