Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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