I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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