my phone needs a breathalizer
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think my moral compass just broke
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
