dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
