Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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