Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
