Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
