I cannot find my penis.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
As shirtless as possible
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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