The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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